a nap in the mountains

i fell asleep under the watch of the sun, time spinning slowly. the hand print of her love all over my face. the morning is always the longest part of the day, darkness stretching on. even under the watch of brave Orion, i would still find myself humming to distract myself from the frost seeping into my toes. the cerulean stirring into the indigo.

but when the sun finally climbs over the tall pines behind me, i can exhale as the warmth falls in a heap over my cold bones. the chill cuts to the bone, even more so when you are alone. i know you know. it is not the night sky, not the frosty wind, not even the silhouettes that bother you. it is the darkness that cleaves to your heart. you rub your hands together, cup and breathe, but oh, it does not go. you stand up and you rock back and forth on your toes. nothing relieves the grip it has.

until you glimpse His face, a promise in waiting. when the morning finally slips into the light. you taste the grace of hope, honey glaze dripping slowly. He glances over His blue shoulder, i get caught up in the clouds drifting. i am supposed to be watching the forest, but it doesn't matter now that He is here.

let me take a load off your shoulders, He murmurs. the pillars of the trees drop the weight of the heavy snow. i lean against the rock behind me and face the Son. learn the beauty of the silence. of the girl who falls asleep in the mountains far from home. of the brave boy who would wake up in the night just to stoke the stoves.

i know you are just as scared as i am. but though the ice seems to become a part of you, learn to trace the skies with your eyes. nothing compares to the glory that is to come. eternity, find me waiting. find me waiting.

/x
woke up at 6am wide awake. made pancakes at 9am. sang alone. it's good to be home. also tell me something you've been loving in the comments. eheheh.

a list of things

i. wash the windows and pull the blinds. i saw the sun this morning, and it burned a hole right through my ribs and into my heart. sacrifice does not mean loss, but it means gain. and oh, in the depths of sacrifice, you take the brunt of the quaking and trembling and it knocks all the breath out of your lungs. but one morning, you wake up, and your ribs are the good kind of sore, and a laugh escapes your mouth and it is pure selfless love ringing of His voice.

ii. i trace the stars to each other, and it is all laughing and laughing like always. because you are my Hannah, and you are far away, but close to my heart. i press my prayers into those constellations, and beam right back at Vega, and i understand more about letting people go is also a good kind of love.

iii. not being enough is the kind of thing that breaks you. not enough? that is all i want to be. but then i am given a gift of Grace, and this time i understand that it takes the breaking of not enoughness to make room for His Enoughness.

iv. i cried in the middle of a city that was half a home and you were right beside me and the sun was warm and it was a summer exhale. love is not a feeling as much as it is a choice.

v. press the seeds into the dirt. cold soil. and it is scary and big and wild, but i am finding bravery in the flowers already here. step forward.

vi. sorrow bearing a cross, and i am almost overtaken by the waves of discouragement that will not stop pounding the shore. hope. where are you? and she laughed and said it was a clear box and it was still loud but there was a peace. there you are. be not far from my heart, oh hope.

vii. it is a choice, it is a choice. don't you get it? IT IS A CHOICE. IT IS ACTION. not always a feeling. so go forth with knowing even when the feeling is not there. He is good. He is true. He is mighty. He is enough. knead it into the folds of my heart. 

x 
WHERE HAVE I BEEN FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS. *scream* HAHAH. here and there. sort of back. give me a chance to unpack my things. 

yesteryear

it's a hurt breath saying hello to an old summer. 

the bruise on the back of my calf throws me back to seven years ago, in this same old house. the bruises were on my shins then, from running up the stairs with cricket legs slipping and laughing at the pain. our carpet is run down already, feet trampling it more and more year after year (my mom bought a colorful rug in hopes to make our house look better). 

i stood in our laundry room the other day, folding stained white towels (we never manage to keep things perfect). when we were younger, we'd haul the laundry baskets upstairs to our living room and fold it as quickly as we could so we could go run off to spend our day fighting off monsters with our branch-swords. and before that, in the house only us older ones remember, we would ride those baskets down the stairs with squeals bouncing off the walls. 

today, i shook silver hands with yesteryear. i settled down for a minute, and the petals wilted for the last time off of that rose. we say goodbye to old skins, she said (i still keep that letter in the back of my bible). so i take a deep breath, set the memories down in my garden like smooth stones, and take a long look at the sky. 

He is calling me onward. 

the horn has been sounded. 

/x

p.s. here

desperation binds with hope

i never told you, but i stood outside of the church and cried the sound of my heart. the green leaves wept close to the ground, and the pavement was bright white. he drove past in his red truck, and the brave girl was one of the only ones left.

heart to heart.

love slipped out of my hands, and i was bearing the weight of a heavy Sorrow. because i was sorry. and i was lonely. and i really didn't want to go back home, because i was scared.

he stood there. still there. and he was only a little boy, and my brother, with an aching heart and a Sorrow beating the same as mine. though our stories are different. the aches are different. he is different. i am different. but isn't that the way it goes? different, but the same.

the echo buried itself still in the tree rings of the pines standing out front.

desperation burns up my heart, and all i can do is fall to my knees. because these words cannot proclaim the Glory of which i yearn to tell. this voice cannot find the perfect Harmony in which i ache to sing. this hands cannot create the Perfection for which they long for. and all i want to do is praise my Savior, but oh these limbs. 
this heart. i'm all caught up in myself. and i know it. and i ache and ache to be cut free of the flesh that searches my veins for an atom of strength.

yet,

even still,

hope binds with the desperation, and i am caught up in a storm of change He is working in me. for though the song may not be perfect, the sound of it fills His heart with love upon love and it overflows. even still.
i felt it in the girl who stayed by my side. all humbleness and love, beaming the thing He knew i needed the most.

hold on. just a little bit longer.
/x

the way He works

the wind sweeps through the meadow like a song,
he was there and i admitted that i was wrong.
gentle hands pushed up against my swollen heart,
teaching about love that is not hidden in the dark.

small flowers bend toward the ground in grace,
spoken servant hood no matter what they face.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sor-- hey, i forgive you. 
many words in my heart but spoken were few.

it is quiet, sweet as honey, the way He works.
refining so that no dross or impurity may lurk.
smitten laughter smuggled through trials
and i know that He was there all the while.

/x

creds to salem for the leaf picture. ur rad. 

also catching up on posts but oh baby it's slow

thanks for loving me xx

God has been crazy good. i'm here to listen if you have anything to say. 

core to my lips

i sat in the passenger seat, and his hands held the steering wheel as we drove across hot pavement. i leaned my head against the back of the seat, and my heart grew words i couldn't understand until now. she is loved. the tall girl. the one who is braver than me, and pours out her heart into others even when she feels she can't (i laugh because it's all Him).

the city flies by, and the car is loud, but my thoughts are soft and still. i love them. the blonde boy who doesn't talk because he doesn't like his lisp. the curly haired boy who grew up and switched to contacts. the older brother who finally learned how to love others. the boy who wears hats because he's embarrassed when his hair isn't styled. the girl who is so brave, and runs into war with hands full of light. the girl who loves when no one is looking.

tonight i sat in the driver's seat, and lightning flashed as the rain started to pour. i leaned my head against the back of the seat, and stopped at the red light. a song was playing in my heart, but i could never understand the words. i sink beneath the weight of love because i can't get it from my core to my lips.

but He appeared beside me, so gently that i barely noticed it. the clouds broke for a minute, and the golden light was shining on the wet ground. no one else saw. let freedom rise. 

it was something like that. the song, i mean. the one that is written into the curves of my ribs, that aches when i miss you. His mighty hands carved those words in there, and it is a song that is so sorrowful, but so mighty that even the sky trembles when it is sung.

i love you. those words taste like summer on my lips (wild strawberries and peach juice and afternoon naps), but they come out a little too shaky and quiet. i am a heart-girl, and the i can't get my mouth to tell you what i mean. but it is there, full and honest, if you care to pick up the scattered pieces (i'm a bit clumsy sometimes).

/x
search my heart
p.s. i'll catch up on your blogs after my trip this weekend. loves. 

it's okay / MORNING

i smooth out the tired dreams in my blanket, yawning as my blood starts to flow quicker. i have softer dreams than most people. i dreamed about this boy of happiness and curly hair. he gingerly picked up the guitar. i wasn't expecting much. but he played this song, and his fingers flew across the frets, and i was laughing so hard that you could hear my laughter from a block away.

i want to tell you that he's the same kid, that bravery blush on his cheeks, but i cannot. some part of him grew up and gave up, and there's a piece missing.

but that's okay.
i know that might sound a bit silly to you. what part of that sounds okay? but it was a day in the middle of winter, and i stared into his eyes, and something deep in my heart clicked into place. He is loved. 

so i brush the night out of my hair, and i wash forgotten memories from my face, and stare out the window with a crooked grin. let me walk in the hope and the love of Christ, selflessness left in every footstep.
no dwelling on the past.

/x

lolz this is a little short, but that's okay. words have been walking in molasses so I'm having trouble getting them out. 

p.s. the giveaway is still up! enter enter enter. there are good things there.

desert boy

okay let's all just take a very long moment to gaze upon the beauty that is jordan's skillz.

she's the absolute best.

here:

instagram / blog 

#shamelessfriendpromotion

✿ 

some days we stumble upon them.

desert at the end of the tree line.

his eyes surprised me, for i had seen them before

but not here. not here.

quicksand. 

salty tears in the midst of hills upon hills 

of golden sand. 

he asked for me, and i weakly scrambled back.

i told him to stay still.

just a moment, and i'll return.

so i ran to the trees behind us,

and called out His name, hoping upon hope

that i would get an answer.

faithful heart.

His voice spoke miracles,

and i fell into those arms that were so heavy with love

that it was something i knew i would never lose.

He cares for you.

i stood at the edge of the tree line,

freedom and faith cleaning out my lungs.

it was never my job

to save him.

/x

weep. 

things turn out a little different than you'd expect.

+ addy and i have a special surprise coming on st. patty's day. 

+ this week only started two days ago, but it's already been a wild ride.

+oh, and i love you. tell me some good things.

+also u better go follow jordan or i'll cry.

+(u don't want to see me cry.)

+also i kept almost typing desert as dessert and so now i'm hungry. oops. 

KEEP HOPE / new, old

an old letter oozing golden honey into my hands. slightly confused, partially delighted. i was always the quieter one, laughing from far away. humming songs and cheering for the honest four-square players. 

open eyes, brighter heart.

there was one day when hope had only filled a corner of my home. a small window, sunlight bleeding through. 

then the Maker broke through, and tore down the wall. i left for the summer, and i saw dirt the same color as your empty eyes. where were you?

it was a couple months after i came back. a couple weeks after you came back. you were lighter, more free. and you came over, and we talked, and we smiled. 

a week later, and i laughed so loud the house woke up. windows bigger, light fuller. more and more and more. 

hey. here's a new letter. sunset blue with a tinge of DEATH and a whole lot of HOPE. 

//

goodbye boy. 

     he was young then. he was full of joy, and he...was the sound of a melody breaking through. a mixture of noises i never heard before, but working together exactly right. 

written: Man. I lost hope, you know.

I looked into your eyes and they felt sadder and farther away than ever. [A MUFFLED SONG] Like I had never known you. Like you had never known me.

But I never forgot you.

You're still the boy sitting beside me and laughing over movies about football. You're still the boy who stood with me in the hall looking at our old memories. 

We grew older.

You grew older.

[I STILL PLAY OLD RECORDS.]

there's a faint noise. a familiar sound. i hold my breath, and listen to the trees rustle in the wind. there's a valley way out there with him in it. different mountains, same sky, same God. if you can hear me, i want you to put your hand on your chest. 

do you feel that?

He put that there. 

that is something special. i know it is. and i know that sometimes it doesn't feel like it - midnight overthinking, wrong words, small failures, aching heart. they all add up to not enough.

(and that's the point. i am not enough. you are not enough. where did we get that idea?)

there is a mighty King, my boy. and he has placed a song in your ribcage, brimming to the edge with sacrifice and wild love [SHE CALLED IT KINGSLOVE.]. 

please, please sing again. 

{we know what it costs.}

i trembled a couple nights ago, beneath the lateness (and the heaviness). 

     terror in my bones, and i couldn't hold my hands still. a young girl stepping into the busy street. the dust swept up into my lungs, and i coughed. you were far, far away. in a city i didn't know the name of. /too far. come back./ no hand to hold, only photographs of you.

it wasn't the worn faces that scared me. nor was it the wagons tumbling by, or the yelling coming from a building in the distance. it was the thought of losing you. /why am i so small./

stones beneath my feet, and i cry out. /HE HEARS./ swept into the roaring crowd. there was a hand, a flash of golden hair, old shoes. 

a second cry. your name. something less. 

wait. a gentle hand grasped mine, and pulled me out of the crowd into a quiet alley. we walked up an old dirt hill, and he smelled of something better. 

/who are you?/

/YOU CALLED FOR ME./

confused hands, quiet mouth. glance into his wise eyes. - what's that? - just some pictures. - may i see? - sure. - oh. (quiet moment.) i know her. - you do? - of course. i know them all. she's full of hope, and she worries too much. but she loves the good ones. she is as bright as summer, and she is learning to let go.

you must too.

/WE TALKED FOR HOURS./

(keep hope. let go, never give up.)

goodness

brush brush. 
there we go.
not a fresh start - a couple smudged lines, but better than before.
hi.

i stood out in that cold, wet dirt today. the sun was already sleeping behind the mountains, and the sky was already that deep blue that sifts the moonlight as it comes down. a couple stars were out and i thought about goodness.

goodness, goodness, goodness.
the kind that shakes the shadow remnants from your soul, and love that finds those tender bits in your heart.

the Lord is good, yeah? i know it. hey, i believe it. 

i didn't know what that meant before. the Lord is good? yeah. sure. but that was before the fire. that was before the thunderstorms and the running and the broken sobs that shook your old lungs.
goodness isn't always what we see is good.

what does He see, little one?
He sees the finished result.
He sees what the trials produce.

He sees you. and hey, he loves you now. he loves you in all of your youness. and a brave man once said, "God said come as you are, but he didn't say leave as you were."

that means loss of self, yo.
i was scared once. some days i still am. but when you gaze into His eyes, all fear melts away. those doubts have no place to stand in the face of Truth. and Christ. OH. CHRIST. He is with you through that refining fire that feels like it's burning you up so much that you can't even breathe.
He is with you on those quiet mornings when it feels like you can't pray.
He is with you.
always?
yeah.

the Lord is good. and some days that means He's gonna lead you right through that storm and other days it means that He loves you so deeply that the sunrises and sunsets bleed colors.

something good.

yep.
/x

in your eyes

it was the stillness in your eyes.

the hushed peace, lingering there. telling me i came back home.

it was funny, though. because there had been so much on my hands, on my heart. the bitterness sinks in and your eyes turn gray and no one knows who you are anymore. not even yourself.

it chokes you.

but one look at you and i knew everything was going to be okay.

you knew. i looked in your eyes and it was like looking right back into mine. glory stuck in the iris, gleaming goodness.
(He is good.)

how could i even put it all into words? He had to take it all. every last piece. it broke you. it broke me.

i laugh because it hurt so much. and i thought i'd never make it out, but here i am.

things change. things grow.

you know.

i can see it in the stillness in your eyes.

/x