Wednesday, February 8, 2017

KEEP HOPE / new, old


an old letter oozing golden honey into my hands. slightly confused, partially delighted. i was always the quieter one, laughing from far away. humming songs and cheering for the honest four-square players. 
open eyes, brighter heart.

there was one day when hope had only filled a corner of my home. a small window, sunlight bleeding through. 

then the Maker broke through, and tore down the wall. i left for the summer, and i saw dirt the same color as your empty eyes. where were you?

it was a couple months after i came back. a couple weeks after you came back. you were lighter, more free. and you came over, and we talked, and we smiled. 

a week later, and i laughed so loud the house woke up. windows bigger, light fuller. more and more and more. 

hey. here's a new letter. sunset blue with a tinge of DEATH and a whole lot of HOPE. 

//

goodbye boy. 
     he was young then. he was full of joy, and he...was the sound of a melody breaking through. a mixture of noises i never heard before, but working together exactly right. 

written: Man. I lost hope, you know.
I looked into your eyes and they felt sadder and farther away than ever. [A MUFFLED SONG] Like I had never known you. Like you had never known me.
But I never forgot you.
You're still the boy sitting beside me and laughing over movies about football. You're still the boy who stood with me in the hall looking at our old memories. 
We grew older.
You grew older.
[I STILL PLAY OLD RECORDS.]

there's a faint noise. a familiar sound. i hold my breath, and listen to the trees rustle in the wind. there's a valley way out there with him in it. different mountains, same sky, same God. if you can hear me, i want you to put your hand on your chest. 
do you feel that?
He put that there. 

that is something special. i know it is. and i know that sometimes it doesn't feel like it - midnight overthinking, wrong words, small failures, aching heart. they all add up to not enough.
(and that's the point. i am not enough. you are not enough. where did we get that idea?)

there is a mighty King, my boy. and he has placed a song in your ribcage, brimming to the edge with sacrifice and wild love [SHE CALLED IT KINGSLOVE.]. 

please, please sing again. 
{we know what it costs.}



i trembled a couple nights ago, beneath the lateness (and the heaviness). 
     terror in my bones, and i couldn't hold my hands still. a young girl stepping into the busy street. the dust swept up into my lungs, and i coughed. you were far, far away. in a city i didn't know the name of. /too far. come back./ no hand to hold, only photographs of you.

it wasn't the worn faces that scared me. nor was it the wagons tumbling by, or the yelling coming from a building in the distance. it was the thought of losing you. /why am i so small./

stones beneath my feet, and i cry out. /HE HEARS./ swept into the roaring crowd. there was a hand, a flash of golden hair, old shoes. 

a second cry. your name. something less. 

wait. a gentle hand grasped mine, and pulled me out of the crowd into a quiet alley. we walked up an old dirt hill, and he smelled of something better. 
/who are you?/

/YOU CALLED FOR ME./

confused hands, quiet mouth. glance into his wise eyes. - what's that? - just some pictures. - may i see? - sure. - oh. (quiet moment.) i know her. - you do? - of course. i know them all. she's full of hope, and she worries too much. but she loves the good ones. she is as bright as summer, and she is learning to let go.
you must too.

/WE TALKED FOR HOURS./

(keep hope. let go, never give up.)





26 comments:

  1. wah I was sad when it was over! love this story, (it's mysterious yet familiar and so beautiful,) those pictures, (are leaves really budding out already where you are?! O.O) this hope, and you.

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    1. awaeiaeiaw. you make me cry of happiness. OKAY.
      1. i was about to be like HAHA YEAH IT IS FAMILIAR and then i was like wait a second i wrote this
      2. i am (slightly) ashamed to say that i stole those pictures from last spring. i'm a little tired of browns and olds, you know. so i needed good pictures (pretty sure I posted these on my other blog like almost a year ago so hahweehafa).
      3. hope hope hope. I LOVE YOU.
      xxx

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  2. omg I left a comment and idk if it went thru so I'm sorry if this is a repeat but theres something I think you should hear.

    that whole goodbye boy things hit me.
    oh cally.

    and
    " i was always the quieter one, laughing from far away. humming songs and cheering for the honest four-square players."
    OMG ARE WE THE SAME PERSON

    this is so familiar to me, it feels so regular. like I am rereading something forgot I wrote yesterday.

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    Replies
    1. CAN I CRY BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN COMMENTS DON'T GO THROUGH. also if it repeated, i wouldn't mind a bit??? so much loves.

      your comment made my heart glow for like a couple million years oh man. ow. ALSO I'M LAUGHING REALLY HARD BECAUSE I THINK WE MIGHT BE???? IN MORE PLACES THAN ONE.

      ow. that means more than i can say and i'm l i t e r a l l y out of good words so brb while i think about you & your comment for seven years, appreciating God's goodness.

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  3. Lovely photos and lovely words, Cally!! <3

    Sophie

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    1. AW. THANK YOU, SWEET PEA. that makes me happy happy. xx

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  4. why can you write like this and I'm just here like gasping for air? wow

    </3

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    1. honestly don't even know. it's like...there are these words in my heart and God has given me the power to write them down??? i don't knowww. but oh man. thank you for reading, julia. crying of love.
      x

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  5. Eeeppp I am a puddle of emotions right now!!!

    xoxo Morning

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    Replies
    1. LET ME MOP YOU UP INTO A SUITABLE POSITION AND GIVE YOU SOME TEA (unless you prefer hot chocolate - we don't have coffee) AND BLANKETS.
      x

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  6. ok maybe I'm crying and maybe I'm not

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    1. how do I say this without making it sound cliche idk how but I am so thankful for your soul and the truth that God has planted there. it's producing the best blossoms ever. :') so much love. thank you for this. ughahjgjksdf. <3

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    2. ps your recent comments on my posts have kept me up laughing and crying into the night thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    3. ok maybe u just commented the best thing ever and i had to cry for a minute because God is good and i felt really really really (x10000) loved. thank you for always coming to my little corner of the bloggy world and leaving sweet things and remembering. oh man.
      *sends you lots of chocolate and good days* keep it up, peach.
      xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
      p.s. YAYAY i'm always a little worried they get swept up in the chaos of the comment world, but oh my heart. :') happy.

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  7. this is so pretty and God is so good and wait? yes i do think i say the same things in almost all of your posts I'M SORRY.

    this gave me hope today <3 you're good.

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    1. HAHAH IT'S OKAY. cuz i do the same thing whoops. trying not to repeat myself is HARD. i got you. God is good though. man man.

      loves. keep that hope held tight. xxx

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  8. your words legit break my heart but it's so worth it every time because of the beauty, truth, and encouragement you pack in every post. gahhh i freaking adore you

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    1. CRYYYY. oh man. today is the sunniest day, and you are too kind to my heart. weeping. x thanks beyond anything, lizzy girl.

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  9. I kind of just want to go and weep now and that's basically all that I can say because everything sounds so cliche but oh my heart.

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    1. SO WE'LL JUST CRY CRY ON EACH OTHERS SHOULDERS CRY UNTIL IT'S OVERRRRRR *belts that song out every time whoops*
      you make me grin so wide i think it goes down to my bones. whoops. loves loves, Grace Anne. hoping you keep coming back for more. xx

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  10. ajdhdkashjhsa this is so comfortable and i want to just HUG it you know ???

    we are not enough; we never have been and this is the point i realise my words are not enough as well. brb gonna reread this beauty of a piece

    so much love xx

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    1. LIS I MISSED YOU SO MUCH I'M GONNA CRY :')))) <3 HEARTS. also yes oh my goodness that warms my heart up and makes it teary-laugh because it just needs people like you.
      owie.

      yes. THANKS FOR GETTING THAT PART. because i wrote it in my notebook and i was like. man. this is important. hoo baby.

      so much love right back at'cha. xxxxx

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  11. Replies
    1. squeal of joy.
      that makes this heart happy. xx

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  12. You're great! And I just found your new blog and I kind of love it K.

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    1. CAN I THROW A DITTO BACK AT YOU. because oh man. you're great and i love you too k. <3 thanks for finding this little space.
      loves. xxx

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make it count. x