Tuesday, January 30, 2018

to the one i long for





To the one I long for,
hi my love.

today is long, a pen weaves between my fingers as I sigh.
It has been more than a long day.
It has been a long, long life. she is afraid no one will stay, and I am afraid I will have no one to stay for.
I hope for you.

you are not a promise
to me.
I am not promised your strong arms, heart that hurts when mine hurts,
striving selfless love.

these are confusing days, and I shove my face into my palms,
as if I’ll find your name
written into the wrinkles that tell fortune tellers miracles.

I will wait for you, if He wills me to have you.
so be strong and brave in these weary days. weary months. weary years.
may He be with you in your aches, as well as mine.
(and give you wisdom.)

so be it.

/x

Friday, January 12, 2018

love overflowing - i

stolen from addy. ur totes right. 




- things I've been loving recently - 

murmurs from the morning.
twinkle eyes from the past, eyes set on the horizon.
a kind and graceful God.
hands that don't let go, but grip yours tighter.
feet tangled in blankets, sleepy laughs.
reading Psalms aloud like battle cries.
winter rain sprinkles (never have i known this).
my sister's garlic knots. delish.
movie nights with my daddio. 
teaching the little girl how to hold things bravely. let those callouses grow, babe. 

/x

WOW OKAY. promise not to disappear so long without notice again haha. 
what have you been loving lately, babes?
make me a list. it'll be good for you to sit still for a minute and reflect. if not, hate mail is always an option. ahohooho. 

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

a nap in the mountains





i fell asleep under the watch of the sun, time spinning slowly. the hand print of her love all over my face. the morning is always the longest part of the day, darkness stretching on. even under the watch of brave Orion, i would still find myself humming to distract myself from the frost seeping into my toes. the cerulean stirring into the indigo.

but when the sun finally climbs over the tall pines behind me, i can exhale as the warmth falls in a heap over my cold bones. the chill cuts to the bone, even more so when you are alone. i know you know. it is not the night sky, not the frosty wind, not even the silhouettes that bother you. it is the darkness that cleaves to your heart. you rub your hands together, cup and breathe, but oh, it does not go. you stand up and you rock back and forth on your toes. nothing relieves the grip it has.

until you glimpse His face, a promise in waiting. when the morning finally slips into the light. you taste the grace of hope, honey glaze dripping slowly. He glances over His blue shoulder, i get caught up in the clouds drifting. i am supposed to be watching the forest, but it doesn't matter now that He is here.

let me take a load off your shoulders, He murmurs. the pillars of the trees drop the weight of the heavy snow. i lean against the rock behind me and face the Son. learn the beauty of the silence. of the girl who falls asleep in the mountains far from home. of the brave boy who would wake up in the night just to stoke the stoves.

i know you are just as scared as i am. but though the ice seems to become a part of you, learn to trace the skies with your eyes. nothing compares to the glory that is to come. eternity, find me waiting. find me waiting.

/x
woke up at 6am wide awake. made pancakes at 9am. sang alone. it's good to be home. also tell me something you've been loving in the comments. eheheh.



Sunday, October 1, 2017

a list of things







i. wash the windows and pull the blinds. i saw the sun this morning, and it burned a hole right through my ribs and into my heart. sacrifice does not mean loss, but it means gain. and oh, in the depths of sacrifice, you take the brunt of the quaking and trembling and it knocks all the breath out of your lungs. but one morning, you wake up, and your ribs are the good kind of sore, and a laugh escapes your mouth and it is pure selfless love ringing of His voice.

ii. i trace the stars to each other, and it is all laughing and laughing like always. because you are my Hannah, and you are far away, but close to my heart. i press my prayers into those constellations, and beam right back at Vega, and i understand more about letting people go is also a good kind of love.

iii. not being enough is the kind of thing that breaks you. not enough? that is all i want to be. but then i am given a gift of Grace, and this time i understand that it takes the breaking of not enoughness to make room for His Enoughness.

iv. i cried in the middle of a city that was half a home and you were right beside me and the sun was warm and it was a summer exhale. love is not a feeling as much as it is a choice.

v. press the seeds into the dirt. cold soil. and it is scary and big and wild, but i am finding bravery in the flowers already here. step forward.

vi. sorrow bearing a cross, and i am almost overtaken by the waves of discouragement that will not stop pounding the shore. hope. where are you? and she laughed and said it was a clear box and it was still loud but there was a peace. there you are. be not far from my heart, oh hope.

vii. it is a choice, it is a choice. don't you get it? IT IS A CHOICE. IT IS ACTION. not always a feeling. so go forth with knowing even when the feeling is not there. He is good. He is true. He is mighty. He is enough. knead it into the folds of my heart. 


WHERE HAVE I BEEN FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS. *scream* HAHAH. here and there. sort of back. give me a chance to unpack my things. 

Thursday, July 6, 2017

yesteryear





it's a hurt breath saying hello to an old summer. 
the bruise on the back of my calf throws me back to seven years ago, in this same old house. the bruises were on my shins then, from running up the stairs with cricket legs slipping and laughing at the pain. our carpet is run down already, feet trampling it more and more year after year (my mom bought a colorful rug in hopes to make our house look better). 

i stood in our laundry room the other day, folding stained white towels (we never manage to keep things perfect). when we were younger, we'd haul the laundry baskets upstairs to our living room and fold it as quickly as we could so we could go run off to spend our day fighting off monsters with our branch-swords. and before that, in the house only us older ones remember, we would ride those baskets down the stairs with squeals bouncing off the walls. 

today, i shook silver hands with yesteryear. i settled down for a minute, and the petals wilted for the last time off of that rose. we say goodbye to old skins, she said (i still keep that letter in the back of my bible). so i take a deep breath, set the memories down in my garden like smooth stones, and take a long look at the sky. 

He is calling me onward. 
the horn has been sounded. 

/x

p.s. here

Friday, June 23, 2017

desperation binds with hope











i never told you, but i stood outside of the church and cried the sound of my heart. the green leaves wept close to the ground, and the pavement was bright white. he drove past in his red truck, and the brave girl was one of the only ones left.

heart to heart.

love slipped out of my hands, and i was bearing the weight of a heavy Sorrow. because i was sorry. and i was lonely. and i really didn't want to go back home, because i was scared.

he stood there. still there. and he was only a little boy, and my brother, with an aching heart and a Sorrow beating the same as mine. though our stories are different. the aches are different. he is different. i am different. but isn't that the way it goes? different, but the same.

the echo buried itself still in the tree rings of the pines standing out front.

desperation burns up my heart, and all i can do is fall to my knees. because these words cannot proclaim the Glory of which i yearn to tell. this voice cannot find the perfect Harmony in which i ache to sing. this hands cannot create the Perfection for which they long for. and all i want to do is praise my Savior, but oh these limbs. 
this heart. i'm all caught up in myself. and i know it. and i ache and ache to be cut free of the flesh that searches my veins for an atom of strength.

yet,

even still,

hope binds with the desperation, and i am caught up in a storm of change He is working in me. for though the song may not be perfect, the sound of it fills His heart with love upon love and it overflows. even still.
i felt it in the girl who stayed by my side. all humbleness and love, beaming the thing He knew i needed the most.

hold on. just a little bit longer.
/x


Tuesday, June 6, 2017

the way He works





the wind sweeps through the meadow like a song,
he was there and i admitted that i was wrong.
gentle hands pushed up against my swollen heart,
teaching about love that is not hidden in the dark.

small flowers bend toward the ground in grace,
spoken servant hood no matter what they face.
i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sor-- hey, i forgive you. 
many words in my heart but spoken were few.

it is quiet, sweet as honey, the way He works.
refining so that no dross or impurity may lurk.
smitten laughter smuggled through trials
and i know that He was there all the while.

/x


creds to salem for the leaf picture. ur rad. 
also catching up on posts but oh baby it's slow
thanks for loving me xx
God has been crazy good. i'm here to listen if you have anything to say. 

Thursday, May 25, 2017

core to my lips







i sat in the passenger seat, and his hands held the steering wheel as we drove across hot pavement. i leaned my head against the back of the seat, and my heart grew words i couldn't understand until now. she is loved. the tall girl. the one who is braver than me, and pours out her heart into others even when she feels she can't (i laugh because it's all Him).

the city flies by, and the car is loud, but my thoughts are soft and still. i love them. the blonde boy who doesn't talk because he doesn't like his lisp. the curly haired boy who grew up and switched to contacts. the older brother who finally learned how to love others. the boy who wears hats because he's embarrassed when his hair isn't styled. the girl who is so brave, and runs into war with hands full of light. the girl who loves when no one is looking.

tonight i sat in the driver's seat, and lightning flashed as the rain started to pour. i leaned my head against the back of the seat, and stopped at the red light. a song was playing in my heart, but i could never understand the words. i sink beneath the weight of love because i can't get it from my core to my lips.

but He appeared beside me, so gently that i barely noticed it. the clouds broke for a minute, and the golden light was shining on the wet ground. no one else saw. let freedom rise. 

it was something like that. the song, i mean. the one that is written into the curves of my ribs, that aches when i miss you. His mighty hands carved those words in there, and it is a song that is so sorrowful, but so mighty that even the sky trembles when it is sung.

i love you. those words taste like summer on my lips (wild strawberries and peach juice and afternoon naps), but they come out a little too shaky and quiet. i am a heart-girl, and the i can't get my mouth to tell you what i mean. but it is there, full and honest, if you care to pick up the scattered pieces (i'm a bit clumsy sometimes).

/x
search my heart
p.s. i'll catch up on your blogs after my trip this weekend. loves. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

2017 GIVEAWAY



HAHAHA. the giveawaaaayyy has ENDED. all that hard work yo (just kidding. put the post up, enjoyed all the answers you peaches put in, and ate some chocolate). 

dun dun duuuuun. *drumroll* THE WINNER OF THE 2017 GIVEAWAY HOSTED BY THIS RAD BEAN AND MYSELF IS...

wait for it. 

BECCA WHITLOCK.


so much laughter. i enjoyed this giveaway more than you know. thanks for all the wonderful answers, for leaving those sweet comments on my posts, and for following me even when it doesn't include brownies sent to your door (maybe in 20 years, i could work that into my blog??? just kidding. but seriously HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE). 

love love love.
x

you guys gave me songs for the giveaway, so here is mine in return:


p.s. jk jk here's the real one: loves

Thursday, April 6, 2017

it's okay / MORNING





i smooth out the tired dreams in my blanket, yawning as my blood starts to flow quicker. i have softer dreams than most people. i dreamed about this boy of happiness and curly hair. he gingerly picked up the guitar. i wasn't expecting much. but he played this song, and his fingers flew across the frets, and i was laughing so hard that you could hear my laughter from a block away.

i want to tell you that he's the same kid, that bravery blush on his cheeks, but i cannot. some part of him grew up and gave up, and there's a piece missing.

but that's okay.
i know that might sound a bit silly to you. what part of that sounds okay? but it was a day in the middle of winter, and i stared into his eyes, and something deep in my heart clicked into place. He is loved. 

so i brush the night out of my hair, and i wash forgotten memories from my face, and stare out the window with a crooked grin. let me walk in the hope and the love of Christ, selflessness left in every footstep.
no dwelling on the past.

/x

lolz this is a little short, but that's okay. words have been walking in molasses so I'm having trouble getting them out. 

p.s. the giveaway is still up! enter enter enter. there are good things there.