so far

          

                 

    january.

started off with you. a warm day tucked right into the pages of winter. heart going through high tides and low tides. i didn't declare a new year then. i didn't quite feel myself, yet i couldn't tell you exactly what was different. i cried when they were to my back and wiped off my tears before i turned around. i hid the bleeding wounds of my heart... yet, yet, yet. disappointment can be a doorway into grace. 
    roses looked up at me with their blushing faces reflecting mine. so many roses. and the sky would blush in the evening when i would step out of work too, tired eyes staying awake just a little bit longer before the sun took her rest. it spoke of spring coming. i hoped before i even knew it was hope.
    right before it tipped into the next month, scrutiny slipped into my arms and cut me quick. i was left gasping for air and i spent three nights sobbing before i fell asleep. i can't present my words clearly and as readily as a lot of people can. there are days when your weaknesses are used against you. take the hit, control your breathing, and then move on. 

    february.

the deepest inhale that drops fast and slick to the bottom of my lungs and cleans everything out on the way down. i felt like myself again. looked into their little faces and loved them before i even had a chance to step away. belonging. there is a belonging you feel when your passion is being fulfilled. scream that the Lord is faithful into the night sky. i sacrificed sunsets for longer hours and it was a good, good thing. i hardly even noticed i was missing them. afternoons were spent running around a parking lot, hot sun beating down. 
    restored. there is blessing in obedience, and sometimes it arrives faster than you expect it. i go to look at the wounds january brought and find that there is reason for the breaking and removing. i pray i always look into my Savior's eyes when i can't stop the tears. He knows me. His way is better. 
    sunday naps in the grass. smiling sunrises with a foot of snow. more roses. excitement and planning for every new day bringing unexpected opportunities. 

    1/2 march.

fierce hands that hold softly. there is understanding in those who are strong and it will reflect in the way they perceive and react to the things they lack. it was a quiet way to turn older, yet i was so content. there is so much loss that has slowly fallen away. no avalanche. no funeral ceremonies. absence. i'm mourning. 
    "isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?" c.s. lewis. i ran my fastest mile ever, couldn't help but have a coughing every time he made me laugh after that because my lungs were dying. my muscles are as toned as they've ever been. this is a peak i'll look back on in twenty years and yearn for. 

    

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