long processor

my hands rub raw off the holds, so i give in before 8 and we head

home - is different every time i get back. i take the switchbacks on the backroads

but it seems they're building houses and the fields aren't as empty anymore.

i'm trying to lay out the problem before me into organized 

pieces - is all i see right now. hurt feigned as infliction when in reality

i think it was mostly my fault. i've never been good at apologies and i'm farther

than arms length from anyone who could help me out at the moment.

she screamed in the backseat and the certain pitch broke nothing but my

trust - for some reason i can't put together. it's more than that but less than i know

how to place rightly. i remember being caught breathless by dream lake, the softest

smile within my bones because there's nothing like the rocky 

mountains - for her, are something else than they are to me. i realized that a little

too late when i asked if it was worth the hustle and she shook her head,

shook my trust, once again. i wiped away the hurt off my cheeks on the way down.

my heart rubbed raw off the night, so i slid out of my chair before i needed to

turn around. have you ever not been able to hold the tears back? cuts like that bleed

different - is how i wished it turned out. the more settled, the more tight my throat gets

and i'm just riddled with sorry. i can keep the steadiness at surface level, but there are bits

of who i am deep stuck disproportionate. you came to know, but time wasn't on your

side - of disappointment is where we both land, i guess. the depth of my land takes the 

strides to learn and to decipher. i would have loved to sit beside you and not before you

to tell you.

there's heart in the way a cowboy knows his hills. there's heart in the way you load

the dishwasher before you go. there's heart in the way a door is softly closed.

there's heart in vulnerability, there's heart in hiding. i am so full of heart i hardly know

how to hold it in. come back again. this time to be, and not to go.

/x

before my eyes

this year. 

    (last year.)

my heart is humming a song that pulsates through and through in the way my

eyes dance over the creases in your face. i do not know how to read you,

but i have never been more willing to try. your face isn't a tell-all, so i resort to

your voice, high low, hesitations. your response, quick slow, intact. your hands,

near far, loose.

learning yet not coming close to even a speck of the fullness. 

you're a type of river. steady so goes my gaze, and steady so goes the change carving

you constantly. i can grasp the idea, but you run through my hands before my fingers

hit my palm. 

i trip up on the stones in your rockbed after wading for so long, and i am struck with

a thought that i hardly know who i am anymore. funny to say that for a girl whose 

confidence has only rocketed and started to steady after all these years. the notion doesn't

scare me. if anything, it's a semblance of soft pain. similar to a bleeding heartbeat,

but bleeding is the

wrong concept.

growing pains? oh, i thought those stopped once you hit a certain age. turns out,

it shifts into a different gear and it's not quite so much pajama pants two inches too short

anymore.

still, when i look into your eyes, the song my heart hums is one i cannot silence,

even though it is one i still cannot sing. it is such a wonder to watch you carve

through the dirt and the roots and the mountains and the valleys. it is almost as if

i am tucked within a canoe, traveling upon your waters as each turn speaks

more of you who are. and as it goes unavoidable, each turn molds who i am to

become.

/x

friends! it has been such a long time. many apologies. but!! i finally got my hands on a laptop again and i hope to be settling back into this home of a blog. xx